My Genesis

Drunk Goggles Are a Bitch

2010-12-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

Do you guys remember the hot boy I met at the bar last weekend? Well we had been texting all weekend and monday he invited me over to his house to smoke hookah with him and his friends. I'm super excited driving over there and i walk up and ring the doorbell. The door opens he says "hey you made it" and I stand there trying to hide the shock/ disappointment on my face. The hot sexy boy I thought I had been texting turned out to be Mclovin's long lost blonde twin. I felt like my mind had played a cruel joke on me. Needless to say, I smoked a little hookah and got the hell out of dodge.

Went to my therapist today. I told her about my fear of becoming the old lonely virgin cat lady. Her advice was to stand in the mirror everyday and repeat "I am a beautiful intelligent young lady anyone would be lucky to be with me." Without thinking I blurted out "I can stand in the mirror all day and say 'I'm Demi Moore' but it doesn't mean I get to come home and fuck Ashton Kutcher"...she wasn't too pleased. Think it's time to start looking for a new therapist.

My weight has been the same for the last few days and then yesterday all I ate was 15 cheez its at around 11am and I gained .4lbs...I'm pretty sure god hates me

Hope yall are having a spectacular day!

"Your Book Smart, But Your Socially Clueless"

2010-12-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

This was a fun-filled weekend of bars and drinks with wayyy to many calories. Normally, I have this little problem controlling myself when I'm drunk aka telling complete strangers my whole life story ("hey I'm Rachel. When I was eight...), kissing random boys, and basically just making an ass out of myself. Butttt this weekend I didn't get completely wasted and it was nice to not wake up feeling like I was the sloppy drunk moron at the party. So that was nice.

I met this boy on friday. He is friends with one of my other friends. So we talked the whole night and he asked for my number and said he was going to text me the next day. Next day came around...no text. But thats not really a shock it happens all the time right? Saturday night went out to some more bars and my friend (who is friends with boy) was there and asked me if I wanted her to give my number to boy. I said I already gave it to him but I was a little drunk so I could have given him the wrong number. She was going to a party he was at so when she got there she gave him my number and he text me...

"Are you only texting me because (insert friends name here) told you to?"

he said no that he accidentally forgot to save my number blah blah blah

"I feel like I'm being annoying and drunk texitng you so i'm going to stop..."

he said i wasn't blah blah blah

but yeah thats the shit I say to guys. Not to mention when I was texting said friend while she was with him in my drunken stupor i wrote

"He's completely perfect!"

Which I'm pretty sure she showed him because their best friends. Oh and did i mention I've only met this kid once.

While I was talking to another friend I made some comment and he said "Your book smart, but your socially clueless" which I think sums me up pretty well.

Weight wise this weekend was annoying. I lost 1lb friday then gained it back saturday. I think it may be due to the fact that I'm about to start my period, which sucks.

16 followers! Blows my mind thank you girls it means a lot! Hope you guys had a great weekend!

Taste Me, Drink My Soul. Show Me All the Things That I Shouldn't Know

2010-12-03T00:23:00.000-05:00

I binged. The day was going good food wise and of course I had to ruin it.

What was my brilliant idea after my binge you ask?... "I've always wanted to get a scale that shows my body fat percentage. I think I'm going to go buy one" yep went and spent $40 on a new scale so that I could come home and it tell me that I gained 1lb since this morning and my disgustingly high body fat percentage....fml

But I decided that no matter what the scale says tomorrow I'm not going to let it ruin my day. It just shows that i need to work harder. Exercise more. restrict more. exercise more. restrict more. And I'm going to have a lovely smile on my face while I'm doing it!

Groove Slam, Work it Back. Filter That, Baby Bump That Track

2010-12-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

Today I finally got below the weight I was when I started this blog (pre- week long binge). I know I should be happy that I'm losing but I don't really feel like I have accomplished anything yet, bc i just lost the weight that I had gained so it really doesn't count.

Anyways, yesterday I was on the elevator at my apt complex and making small talk with the guy on there with me. We were both going to the top floor. The doors opened in mid conversation. He said "have a good day" and proceeded to walk off the elevator. All the while looking back at me (still standing in the elevator) with a confused look on his face. The doors of the elevator close. i'm still standing in there "waiting" for my stop, when I realize its not moving... instead of getting off with the guy (who lives on my floor) I was just standing. in the elevator. that was not moving. I do things like that all the time so it's nothing new for me (I'm the queen of highly embarrassing moments, I mean the things that happen to me/ i do/ say would make any normal person cry (or so I've been told) but i'm immune to it now (which I'm not sure is a good thing)) I just laughed at myself and brushed it off. Then when I got inside I told my roomie about my encounter with said guy (she has a crush/obsession with him) and her response was heavy laughter then "Oh my god thats so embarrassing. He probably thinks your a dumbass"....conclusion: just when I was started to feel like I had made a break through with my social awkwardness, my roomie had to slap me back to reality

Have a wonderful day girls!

Knots in Her Hair, and All Lines. All Lines Stripped Bare

2010-12-01T23:02:00.000-05:00

I'm extremely exhausted so I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point.

It was a good day. I didn't eat nearly as much as I have been and every time my stomach growled, I smiled to myself.

I felt so empowered today, I haven't felt like this since my last fast. I forgot how much I loveeee it! I felt so confident today (I think it might be because i tried out a new hair style and got lots of compliments on it) I was making conversation with complete strangers (something I don't do..sober) and I just felt normal. so yeah it was a good day.

I lost .6lbs...not great but I'll take what ever I can get. I'm leaving for florida in 13 days and I still have 11lbs to lose so keep your fingers crossed!

Intake:

Oatmeal -150
5 cheez its -22
peppermint-20

Total- 192

I think tomorrow I'm going to try to plan it out to where I'm eating something small every few hours for my metabolism. Speaking of that, I bought some crystal light drink mix, the ones you put in a bottled water, and the kind I got said it helps to increase your metabolism. I'm a little skeptical of that but if your interested it's mango peach tea flavored. It tastes good and it's only 5cal per serving so its basically a win-win situation.

It's A Beautiful Night, We're Looking For Something Dumb to Do. Hey Baby, I Think I Wanna Marry You

2010-12-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

Gave You All I Had And You Tossed It In the Trash, You Tossed It In the Trash, You Did

2010-11-30T20:59:00.000-05:00

First of all I want to say hello and thank you to all followers! Its crazy to think people are actually reading this.

Weighed myself this morning. Lost 2.6 lbs woohoo! That makes up for the little loss I had yesterday. Other than that nothing much exciting has happened. School is stressing me out!! In the next week and a half I have 1 test and 5 finals that I NEED to do good on. All I have to say is thank god for adderall! Lets see, I recently became obsessed with Bruno Mars' new album its amazinggg!

My eating today was not the best. pretty shitty actually.

Intake:

Oatmeal -100
mint- 20
salad-15
dressing- 25
turkey-200
lentils - 350?

Total- 710

Stay beautiful girls

Hot Boy=Best thinspiration. ever.

2010-11-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

I weight myself today (like I do every morning) and i lost a whole .4 lbs wtf. So of course I was feeling extra fat and ugly bc I felt like I had such a good day yesterday and then got virtually nothing to show for it. Went to class as normal (the boy that i was exciting about seeing in my class (lets call him E) didn't come to class today, of course my luck) and nothing too exciting happened. So I'm outside my apt complex and this hot guy starts making conversation with me. I couldn't stop staring at his gorgeous green eyes and I'm thinking to myself "Thank you there is a god out there!" until...he mentions he's a freshman. FRESHMAN!..I am a senior, a 21 yr old about to turn 22 and he is 18...so I aborted all my flirtatious moves. Am I just being silly to think its wrong for me to hit on a freshman or is it acceptable?
But never the less, the way he kept smiling at me and asking me questions trying to get to know me made me feel fantastic and gave me the extra little push to skip dinner! so all in all it was a good day, hot boy cancelled out the disappointment of the scale.

Do you guys feel like you could never eat again and be completely content with that whenever someone attractive hits on you?

Intake for the day:
Oatmeal - 150
salad- 15
dressing- 25
5 starbust (i know, i know but i cant resist the pink and yellow ones)- ? lets say 200
Total- 390

Reverse thinspo Timeeee!

2010-11-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

If I ever get even half her size I give you all full permission to hunt me down and put me out of my misery.

When You Smile the Whole World Stops and Stares for Awhile

2010-11-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

I love this pic she looks so beautiful and carefree

2 Followersss! yay thanks girls!

So there's this boy in one of my classes that is pretty sexy to say the least. I've caught him looking at me the whole semester and we just end up making odd eye contact and never talking to each other. Well today I ran into him at the library with his friends and we started talking so hopefully this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship! ha. oh and did i mention i get bored and facebook stalk him during class while he's sitting like 3 ft away from me...yeah i'm that creepy girl anyways...

I've been studying all day for a huge test I have tomorrow so the upside to that was I was distracted all day and able to stay under my calorie limit of 500 for the day (yes!)
Intake:
turkey salad
   lettuce-15
   tomato-20
   turkey- 119
   dressing-25
lentils-160
2 liters of water-0
2 cups green tea-0
Total- 339

I can't remember if i mentioned this already or not but I went on like a week long binge and gained 5lbs :( so i'm up to 155lbs which is utterly disgusting ( i feel sick just typing it) but anyways so the plan is to lose 15lb in 16 days before i go to florida. My mom is a huge health freak and exercises hardcore everyday so when ever I go down there I'm in mommy boot camp (wake up run, evening gym, and they only eat unprocessed and/or organic raw foods) so that should help get a few pounds off while I'm there

Hope all is well with you girlies!

Thanksgiving time update

2010-11-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today was a shitty day, I ate tonsssss of candy argh why can't my dad be normal and actually hand out all the halloween candy he buys instead of just pretending he's not home when trick or treaters come?

Anyways, I went to a therapist last week and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I told her about how I have no self esteem and self confidence and her advice was "thats something that comes from you and no one else"...uh really? I wanted her to give me advice on how to help with it not tell me the obvious. And then she kept asking if I had been abused as a child. Am I that fucked up in the head that the only possibly explanation is abuse? (and no i have never been abused thank god) and when I told her about my body image issues her response was "your not small but your not big..your a good size" wtf that was supposed to make my issues go away. I was seriously contemplating asking her if she even had a degree..so yeah she really wants to see me again so I'll give it another shot but Idk about her.

So in less than 3 weeks I'm going to florida to visit my mom and stepdad. Every time I see my mom she tells me I need to lose 20-30lbs so guess what?! this time I am! I'm going to prove to her that I can do it and I'm not just the fat child...so yep thats about all that has happened lately

Hola!

2010-11-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

Of course I couldn't stick to the fast. I binged EVERYDAY! It was pathetic...but today I had a huge wake up call. I made a thinspiration journal and I finally feel like I'm back in the right mindset to do this. I don't know what keeps triggering my binges but I'm going to try to recognize it the next time I feel the urge to binge and hopefully end this horrid cycle. I feel pumped and ready for my new life! I have a huge weekend coming up and I'm excited and ready for it!!

9 days!

2010-11-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

For the last few days I have been binging like food was going to become extinct. I gained 8lbs in less than a week...yep im out of control. its really disgusting and embarrassing to think about/write about. But last night before my last binge I made my self sign a promissory note. In said promissory note I agreed to note consume anything but coffee, tea, water, and redbull (its all caffinated drinks because I have a ton of studying to do for a test) for the duration of today. I know I can do this, if you can't keep a promise to yourself than who can you keep one to right?

9 days is the length of time I have before I go home and see my family for Thanksgiving so I would really love to be 145ish lbs by then..thats a whole 13lbs Idk if I can make it but I'm sure as hell going to try!

AAAHHHHHH

2010-11-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

You know the day before was bad when you can't even force yourself to get on the scale and see the damage you did...
Yesterday was my roomies bday...so needless to say I binged on cake, and popcorn, and gummy sour snakes...but I did feel so bad about it that I went and worked out, but still it was horrid.

I just don't understand why I keep sabotaging myself with my fast efforts. I have fasted many times before (the longest being 2 weeks) and now all of a sudden the closer I get to my goal the harder it is for me to buckle down and do it....oh well tomorrows a new day and hopefully the beginning of a fast or at least a calorie intake of 500 or less..

Wish me luck!

Obsession

2010-11-10T22:29:00.001-05:00

Please Don't Leave Me, Please Don't Leave Me

I always say how I don't need you, But it's always going to come right back to this

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me

I cannot be without, your my perfect little punching bag, And I need you, I'm sorry

A New Day, A New Fast

2010-11-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

Helllloooo Ladies!

I first must say that I am so happy to have found this community of blogs! I spent hours upon hours last night going through blogs from girls with ED's too and it was a huge source of encouragement, strength, and motivation. I'm glad we're not doing this alone!! (:
Okay so now on to the bad news...I binged last night. It was horrible, and the worst part was that I wasn't even hungry. But my weak self couldn't help but give in. I weighed myself this morning a whooping 150.8 lbs damn thats disgusting!
Good news is today is the beginning of my water fast!! I'm only going to be doing it for 3 days because I have a test to study for but If I am feeling up to it I will continue the fast through the studying..So fingers crossed that I'll be down to 145 lbs by saturday

So far all I've had today is

a cup of senne tea plain ( just to help getting all the food from last night through my system)
water

Its been good so far hopefully I can keep it up!

A Little About Me

2010-11-09T22:44:00.001-05:00

Hello there!

This blog will be following my attempts to become a normal 21 year old girl... I have social anxiety which has pretty much ruined my life. I am in one word...awkward. But now I refuse to let it continue to get the best of me!! I have yet to have a boyfriend, have sex, or have a real close connection with anyone outside my family..its sad I know but I feel like I'm not good enough and people deserve better than me. I'm not depressed (even though I know I sure sound like it!) I'm always smiling and everyone always tells me how sweet and jolly I am...Dont get me wrong I have a pretty amazing life (even though i can get very lonely bc I have never spoke these words out loud, nobody knows the real me.)

Basically, on top of my anxiety I have body issues aka I'm a fatty...I have lost and gained weight since highschool and when I am smaller I am more confident ergo am more social and have a better life, but my love of food always ruins it and I end up gaining all the weight I lose back plus more...that ends now

So the first focus of me becoming a better/ happier/ normal me is being a slim me..

Tomorrow starts my fast! I have decided if I'm going to do just a water fast or a liquid fast yet

The main purpose of this blog is for my own accountability, but if you want to come along for the ride your more than welcome!